You can’t fix what’s broken. (T for violence and mentions of abuse)
To say the least, Kylo Ren was a fucked up human being. That emotionless meat puppet couldn’t don the title of human, considering how he acted. Most times he stayed stoic, knowing full well his abilities and the power he had to level an entire planet the size of Jakku with a wave of his hand. Kylo Ren was also known across the galaxy as someone who had outbursts of the little pieces of emotion he felt. Pure, unadulterated rage, sadness, betrayal, deceit, and lack of trustworthiness. Kylo had episodes, tearing apart the ship. He dared to call the Finalizer his home after tearing it apart, wielding his lightsaber and crying out in despair against the walls.
When you met Kylo Ren, nothing had changed. You were in command beside Hux, and Kylo Ren was still fucked up. He still had his emotionless days, and he had his emotional outbursts. And of course, being in such a state of power demanded that you deal with it. You weren’t low enough to clean up his physical messes, no, but you cleaned up the emotional ones. You watched Ren stalk around the ship late at night after hearing the outbursts. He would be panting, his mask in one hand with his lightsaber in the other. It dragged across the floor in the other, making a humming sound while it connected with the black slate floors. The mere sight intimidated you.
While his intimidation was something that loomed over you, he didn’t exactly scare you. Not him, his actions could make you nervous, but never afraid. Since Kylo Ren was strong with the Force, he felt this. He gained some unmentioned respect for you, considering he was so used to everyone else cowering below him. After some time, you grew used to handling him as a person and his outbursts. He decided one day to tell you of his growing respect for you, when you were both supervising on the bridge.
“General,” He addressed you, staring out the viewport into distant space. He hadn’t planned on facing you yet, wanting to keep the most ominous look about him as possible.
“Sir,” You replied, watching the man with his arms folded behind his back turn to leer at you.
“You’ve surprised me lately.” He admitted, and even though you couldn’t see it, you felt his face soften behind the mask.
“How so?” You were curious. He took your curiosity as an invitation to come closer.
“You’ve been handling me at my worst. I’ve come to respect you.”
From that point on, you didn’t want to disrespect Kylo Ren. You hadn’t ever planned on it, knowing how fragile he was. Instead, you found yourself overanalyzing your actions and developing an obsession. By definition, an obsession is an idea or thought that continually preoccupies or intrudes on a person’s mind. And that preoccupying thought was Kylo Ren. You worried yourself sick about him daily and nightly, wondering if he thought about you at all.
After you saw Kylo with his mask off for the first time, your thoughts continued. They even worsened. You thought of your superior in a romantic way at first, then your mind sexualized him. Your thoughts ticked in your head like a clock, and you soon found yourself in too deep.
You would have thought that Kylo would have never spared you a thought. However, Kylo thought about you often. He wasn’t sure how he felt about you, and the fact that he was unsure brought a flurry of negative emotions. You would project your thoughts onto him, not meaning to, and wake him in the middle of the night. Your thoughts would break his focus during training. At one point, it became so worrisome that Snoke prepared a meeting with Kylo.
“Get her out of your head,” The Supreme Leader had demanded, and Kylo nodded, his thoughts solemn. He wasn’t sure if that’s what he wanted.
One night, when the moon and the sun in this galaxy had set, you found yourself wandering the halls of the Finalizer. You traipsed onto the bridge, your black robes scraping the floor. You planted yourself in a chair before a viewport, staring out at the abyss of stars. You felt like you weren’t connected to your body at the time, which had forced you awake. Your grip on the chair tightened when you heard the hydraulic door hiss open, followed by footsteps. The footsteps grew closer, and you soon heard them stop behind your chair, followed by a huff of breath through a voice modulator.
“What are you doing up this late?” You asked.
“You’re keeping me awake. Get out of my head,” Kylo’s voice demands.
You shoot up out of your chair, infuriated by his words. Anger fills your face, and you invade his personal space as phase one of your verbal attack.
“You think I want to keep thinking about you? If anything, you’re invading my head, Master Ren. You’ve wedged yourself in the ridges of my brain. It feels like I can’t see anything without it reminding me of you.”
“So you’re obsessed with me?” He snorts, acting surprised. As if he hadn’t already put the puzzle pieces together.
“I just want to protect you! I don’t want you to hurt, and ever since you said you had respect for me, I kind of-”
Kylo stopped listening to the words spewing from your mouth and started listening to the ones spouting from your head. I want you safe, I want you near me. I don’t know why I have such an infatuation with you, I think I love you. I think I’m falling for you. Kylo scoffed, immediately interrupting your explanation. Your brow quirked and Kylo squared his shoulders.
“So you think you love me?”
Your face loses all its colour, your skin grows cold. Hearing it aloud made you question what you thought, and what your head was convincing you of.
“I’m not sure.”
“But you want to fix me, right?” Kylo dares to bark a laugh in your face, making you cower before him for the first time.
“I can’t believe I made you so weak,” He hisses in your face, making you sink lower into yourself and start internalizing your prayers. Kylo takes your moment of fear and turns it into a power play.
He activates his lightsaber so fast that the sound and light scares you, knocking you on your ass. You scramble backwards, and Kylo walks towards you, backing you into a corner. Kylo raises his lightsaber, eliciting a shriek from you while he tears up the circuit boards above and beside you. When he’s done, he points the lightsaber at you, tears streaming down his face. He has this look in his eyes. His face is intimidating, tears streaming and his teeth grit. His eyes cry out for help, a match thrown into the dark.
“Kylo,” Your voice cracks, and he swings the lightsaber down against the floor in front of you. You scream again, finally bursting into tears and covering your body, drawing your knees in.
“You think your grand declarations of love can save me?” He shouts at you, leaving you to whimper in response.
“You can’t fix what’s broken,” He growls, storming off.
He was right. You can’t fix what’s broken when you smother it with love, and Kylo Ren was someone who couldn’t accept or give love. He was someone who expected others to cower at his feet, but cowered to himself. He wanted so desperately to love you, too. He had wielded his lightsaber as an outlet for everything he was feeling, for the fact that you made him feel.
Kylo found himself in his quarters, sitting on his bed and breaking out into sobs. He thought about how he’d treated you, how he’d tried to ignore you prying into his mind, and had to convince himself that some love stories didn’t deserve a happy ending.